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June 25 A winter's dayI love this song; it reminds me of how i sometimes like to be. Untouchable, safe, away from everyone and everything. I'm not sad or lonely just would rather not have any confrontations of any kind. I seem to always weather when i meet new peoples. Why is that? I am finding life a little difficult right now. I have gone through life in the past i think now, in my own world. Living as though only i matter, sounds a little selfish, but have only just found out that sometimes that's exactly what i am without consciously knowing it. Just the other day these words were spoken to me, "Carmel what are you on about?" "If you were within a large group right now, everyone would be silent and just staring at you, are you for real?" and then i realise, my conversation is just me with what eva i'm going on about, and no concern for the next person, what they had said or is saying. How sad is that! It has come to my attention that i don't listen to what is actually being said by that person, I don't take what that person is saying into consideration before i air my views and boy have i alot of views. I'm wondering when did i start in my life doing this? Why hadn't anyone eva said anything before? Had they said something, and i hadn't really listen to what they were saying? Maybe i heard the other night, cause i cared to hear! Maybe i heard the other night, cause i felt my world disappearing right there in front of me. If i could of disappeared i would of. 4EVA!
A winters day
;And an island never cries.
Is it possible to ammend? June 13 Sad timesSad times at the moment.....Going through dad's old things, sieving what to keep, throw away, lifeline etc its just a hard on the brain, mind, heart process.
Finding things he kept from us kids, things like, photo albums of him and his brothers, being a normal family with fun times, pets, shared experiences. Gets me
wondering why couldn't he of shared these with his present family, why couldn't he of been a person with a personality and sense of humor? why did he portray,
himself to be the tough, feelinless man? That was never a child, that never had things that ment a lot to him. Was he trying to be someone he wasn't to impress, what his father? his friends? So many questions, go through my head. Just isn't fair! never is fair!. He was young, he had a life that he kept from me, from my brothers and sisters! I think what a bugger! what an arsehole! And yet he isn't here. Life is just too hard right now......  May 18 Anotha fellaWell anotha fella has come and gone just like that.
 Nothin too it!
I wasn't happy on a need to know basis i had to know now.
So email, sms, email, sms etc until its just too late. T's
What an ijit, but if the guy isn't up for it, he's not! and
there is not one thing the girl can do, but ask her self all the
if's that there are, and boy are there a lot.
Let me see,
What if:
I hadn't of emailed at all
I hadn't of sms'd at all
I hadn't turned up at his work place during his work shift
I hadn't of gave him my name
I hadn't of gave him my phone number
I hadn't of gave him space addy
I hadn't of gave him info that was on my phone, and now on his
and the list is endless.
I's probably still be living my life, till next time!
What now:
There will be no time
there will be no emails
there will be no sms's
there will be no more corespondance in any shape or form
I can live with that!
How do i feel now:
Well i wasn't going to ...........
I wasn't eva going to ............
I was going to be eva so careful
I was going to but neva did
What have i learnt:
Not too listen to my spare of the moment thoughts...
Too listen to my small still voice don't means DON'T
Too leave it all up to God, as He and only He knows whats best for me.
Cheers!  May 11 Here t'isOk then i have worked it out. Thanks to the new book i purchased last week, its like fishing. And i think i needed a new perspective, as the old one was a wee bit dusty.
Oh dear what have i done? i gave my private space away, and i want it back! so if you have it just delete it, that makes sense. where ever this is saved just delete the
addy and it won't clutter up your space. Ahhh feel betta already. Had a windy trip on the boat stood up the front for about 7 minutes thats all i lasted the duration of 'clubbed to death' then i sat down then i got up and ventured to the back and grinned and beared it till i could get off. Over cast, windy, cold and definetly not a good day to go out on the bay, hey that rhymed. Ok so i have extra time this week to get it all together, and enjoy it to the max. I needed time to think today as my sister from Melbourne kept me awake nearly all night last night trying to convince me she owed me a lot of money and wanted to give it too me. so i had to get over that one. Then my other sister left today she has moved to London again, she did 2 years ago as well. Uni is extra hard at the moment, exams to prepare for and the adjectives and verbs are a bit on the nose, for me. I have been spending far too long on this stupid computer, i call it stupid as its idle time, and disrupts peoples other wise organised lives. Yes i had a lot to think about.
Hey i seem to do it everytime i meet someone knew in their face and scare them off, just like that. ah well shit happens! so Hi, i saw you, spoke to you, screamed out to you, and by the way scared the people in my train cabin i also almost gave my self a chronary, as i never expected to see you and when i did, i don't know why had to let you know that i saw you, there tis out. When you work all night as i do, and a familiar face appears its a yeah vitamin pill to get through the night on an even key. and i love those even keys. Please don't feel threatened by me, as i am quite a shy person other then that, want to do well at uni, am learning the flute going to grade 6 thats pretty dificult also takes up a lot of my time. I have another job as well i work for 'The Body Shop @ Home'.
So far satisfied with my life, my sister Lucia wants me to go spend her birthday in France in December, Snow yeah! So i am happy as well with what i want to do with my life. So if your reading this and unsure of whats been happening, your new, a different face, a nice face, a friendly face, and you have your own life, but you exist now, where before you didn't, i don't think i have eva seen you on any platform before until the night of the chuppa chup! and the car that got broken into at Goodna station. So there, Does that explain anything to you, oh and another thing, i don't have that many fellas that actually walk up to me and ask me questions, that was a wake up call, nice, scary, i had to think and probably still thinking about it as i am a female and you probably haven't thought about it again, as your male, those type of things don't phase males and you in your profession talk to everyone.
Well thats enough for one night most well turn this off and do what i need to do now, cheers!
 May 05 Where did my w'end go?Sitting at the station having just missed the 12pm train to central, i decided to go right up the front of the platform and sit in the sun.
It was a warm day today even though rain clouds were slowely making their way across the sky. I had my trusty old clear unbrella with
me in case it did start to spit. Listening to 'Clubbed to death' by Rob D on repeat a 7:17 minute piece of music helped me to relax. I checked
out the photos i had on my phone of my day at wello. I had mum drop me off at the shops so i could walk the 35 minute stretch down to the point.
I took photos on the way as the water was in site. I wondered to myself if i lived near the water, would i eventually take it for granted like i have
heard that people do? The train pulled up on platform 2 bound for Ipswich and two ladies desturbed my thoughts both of them running for a bus
that had pulled arrived over in the carpark, one was tall and blonde the other was a midget with very long brown hair, well on her it looked long,
Maybe her height was alittle deceiving. The Midget called out to the blonde to stop the bus, then i went back to my thoughts in the sun. As it was
previously a long weekend and having no study completed a bit nervy to go to class and not be in the know. I looked up moments later to see the
midget sitting at the bus stop and her friend to be know where in site. What did i fill my w'end up wtih whisky, friends, half life, work, sleep & tetris.
Hopefully I'll be able to get it together before next weekend. April 08 Bye DadAhhh there's the box designed in 2 tone roses lying in the back of the hurst. Standing on either side of it are the black and white guards. I've seen that scene in a movie recently, i suddenly have a dejavue feeling, but why does this all seem surreal? The scene doesn't feel good. I feel a painful saddness washing over me. Yelling at myself in my mind "I can't do this! Its just too hard". God why are you making me do this in my life? Today life is just too hard!
As i greeted everyone and thanked them for coming, not sure why i did that as i don't normally do that and it wasn't expected of me to do that, i was prolonging the deed a little longer. Delay if for as long as I can but time was speeding along just like it always does. Time has the last laugh.
Where are my brothers? Where are our husbands? Where are the men in our lives? Why does it left to the women when we live in such a male dominant world?
Approaching the car the four of us girls - sisters, got into position. The funeral director went through the directions on how to hold it, where to stand and how to carry it to the grave site. I wasn't listening i was crying, the tears just flowed without end. Nothing in life prepared me for this. This was it!
We carried left hand on the bar and right hand on the handle and walked, from the car to the grave and then over the hole. Seven metres deep square hole the cold earthern walls descended down. This is where dad will be for eternity. Roses all around beautiful roses long stemmed, the fragrance was in the air, 500 long stem - not quite opened, red, white, light pink bright pink, yellow, orange and cream, how beautiful, how sad.
 Every generation
Blames the one before And all of their frustrations Come beating on your door I know that Im a prisoner To all my father held so dear I know that Im a hostage To all his hopes and fears I just wish I could have told him in the living years Crumpled bits of paper Filled with imperfect thought Stilted conversations Im afraid thats all weve got You say you just dont see it He says its perfect sense You just cant get agreement In this present tense We all talk a different language Talking in defence Say it loud, say it clear You can listen as well as you hear Its too late when we die To admit we dont see eye to eye So we open up a quarrel Between the present and the past We only sacrifice the future Its the bitterness that lasts So dont yield to the fortunes You sometimes see as fate It may have a new perspective On a different day And if you dont give up, and dont give in You may just be o.k. Say it loud, say it clear You can listen as well as you hear Its too late when we die To admit we dont see eye to eye I wasnt there that morning When my father passed away I didnt get to tell him All the things I had to say I think I caught his spirit Later that same year Im sure I heard his echo In my babys new born tears I just wish I could have told him in the living years Say it loud, say it clear You can listen as well as you hear Its too late when we die To admit we dont see eye to eye March 16 on the trainSitting on the train, the third one for the day, bored out of my skull as usual, even though i was listening to the 80's on my ipod, had moistured my hands, lips, brushed my hair and made an Origami frog from off the back of macca's cookie box with the empty cookie box. Tempted to eat six more cookies but as i'm only allow'd 4 carbs by my dietician and six cookies are considered 1 carb, i twisted the top of the packet and through them into the front pocket of my bag. I dug into my bag and found my old pencil case the one i had in high school, a red tattered tartan design opening it up i pulled out the one and only felt pen a green one this i used to draw two eyes and a smile on my origami cookie box jumping frog, after doing so i also chucked the frog and the pen into my pencil case for another day. On my way home on the train i reminisced of my shift at work, it was a fairly smooth night, no regulars but a fella turned up to chat to his friends in back area, i could see him from where i was standing as i steamed the milk for a cuppacino. This fella is easy on the eyes, was wearing a sky blue t shirt, and cute as. Young fella of say late teens early 20's being hopeful of cause, what a purve i was. I remember when i first saw him working on the line in back area, i was standing at front counter after one of my shifts waiting to be served and then i locked eyes with him even though he was working and there were a lot of customers. I mouthed the words 'your new!'. He turned towards me then nodded his head. I then went and said, 'whats your name?', he couldn't hear me, well i was just mouthing the words there was no sound coming out, he walked towards me and said, (something) i wasn't listening i was only just staring. I then came out of my stupor - SHIT! WHAT AM I DOING?.
Nice to look at but not to touch! January 18 talk the talkwhat's the big deal about talking? So what if they guys all get together and talk about all the females in their language, hello!
girls do it it too and can just as crass. But, wait aminute its different only when he's talking about you. He is not allow'd to talk
about you in any shape or form that is not nice. It's only ok if the girls talk, but from a girls point of view the boy is not allow'd
to talk. But then vice versa, if the guys heard that the girls were talking about them in an unfeminim way that would not be allow'd
either.
I think let them say what they want, all is fair in love and war. January 16 some thought to........things!So today a person that i used to know from uni, i don't associate anymore as that person claimed she had to accommodate me in her life, that statement i found to be a tad insensative, Accommodate, what is that word all about? Let's see what it means shall we:
accommodate according to answers.com: First answer
1. To do a favor or service for; oblige. See synonyms at oblige. Must look up Oblige:
Ablige:
SYNONYMS oblige, accommodate, favor. These verbs mean to perform a service or a courteous act for: obliged me by keeping the matter quiet; accommodating her by lending her money; favor an audience with an encore.
so as far as these meanings go, it was an act of ahhh make me type thing. Gone out of her way wo be of a service to me. To me this sounded like she didn't really want to be did it to please me, without any scrupples on her behalf. Ahh the weight of it all. tiresome etc. get where i'm going on this.
So that was it i told her you never have to accommodate me again - goodbye. So after say 2 years i stopped contact. She out of the blue sent me an email yesterday wishing me 'success and happiness'.
Success and happiness who would of thought these 2 go together, most of the people we read about or hear about on the news once successful are discontented with life and either drop out all together or do soul searching which leads to either being unsuccessful and happy or successful and unhappy take your pick.
Success i don't really like that word as i think if i am unsuccessful in 2009 does that make me a failure? What does that word mean? The achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted: attributed their success in business to hard work.
After reading that i am already tired and unsatisfied with that word, no the world wishes success, but life should wish happiness.
can't gain happiness from within the world have to look without the world can only look within oneself to be happy, or outside the square in which one lives. maybe?
January 10 i'm so sad :(I was going to begin with being angry but i have had 30 minutes of a train ride home and now i feel so sad.
I was going to kick my toe but it would probably hurt and i don't like pain. Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh!
I started work on time today then only 1 hour later was sent on a break, why? cause there were no customers, but
i still had stuff to do. lots of stuff. So i left and went on a break. And less then 3 hours from my break was asked
to go home. 'Carmel you can go home now!' there were no customers. Hang on a minute, i still have stuff to do in cafe.
(Carmel we can't afford to keep you on if there are no customers) What? But i still had another 4 hours to my shift!
I got cheated on 5 hours yesterday and now you want me to go home 4 hours earlier. What the! Ahhhhhhhhhh!
What's that all about? In a sweet voice I heard, 'I'm sorry Carmel'. 'Sure you are I thought to my self'.
What could I say but, 'sure, ok'.
So I left, said good bye to some people, and left just like that.Walking to the train station i thought oh 20 minutes before my train comes might just drop by this platform and buy a
packet of pretzels. Put $2 into the slot, chose D4 then the packet started to come and it got stuck. I recieved my 20 cents
change but no pretzels, So silly me put another $2 into the slot again chose D4, i'm waiting the next packet started to be
released it too got stuck. Ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh! my last $4 and both $2 got wasted in the machine.
I started to over heat, feeling really lousy, started feeling a lump in my neck. Ahhhhhh! sometimes in this life things are
just not fair. What am i suppose to learn from all this? My little still voice asks me.
Next time take a breather before I leave work, tell it like it is, tell the manager well I need those 4 hours, I have to live too.
As i'm sitting on the train on my way home I think to myself -
In 1 year time will it matter that I lost $4 in a slot machine?
In 10 years time will it matter that i worked less hours this week?
The answer to all these questions is:
NO!!!!!
 December 29 Part 2 of what i just wrote an hour agoOk i regret but i can't take it back. So now i get through this week and see what happens.
OOPs!
 December 03 After a 10 hour over nighter shift7am on the train to Ipswich, have just eaten a melted mini kitkat out of the packet. This morning I am too touchy. I take thing's too serious. The type of things are actions, people etc, maybe its just extreme exhaustion by the end of the night and i'm busting to get out of there. Instead of me thinking others need to take that chill pill, it is I that should. And today of all days.
I went to the train this morning and ended up forgetting to buy a ticket, the train was coming i reefed all my things out of my bag twice looking for my little zippered purse, but do you think i could find it. nah! The fella standing next to me at the ticket dispenser was a fella i had worked with the prior over night and he handed towards me a $5.00 note to buy a ticket and jump on. The fool that I was said, no! Such a kind jesture. For me to see it as such, it took for me to empty my bag twice, miss the train, wait for more then 45 min for the next one, eat a broken christmas candy cane, a melted mini kitkat to remember that loving action, well that is how highly strung i was this morning. Others wouldn't care so much about silly stuff they would just say about work meh! once it was over for the night.... and continue in their libes out side of those golden Arches.
What is bothering me is nothing much at all. LIfe's lessons no matter how simple are just so hard to learn. I need a holiday, I need to sit on the beach and fell the wind against my face the smell off the salt water and to dig my toes into the sand. Cheers! November 06 yeah its frie day 2morrow. Yeah tis frie day tomorrow. And soooo looking forward to next week, i know i have to wait for after the weekend but i'm starting right now, have new pills to lose weight for summer, only have to take 6 a day. I start gym on Monday morning have an official appointment to see what sorts of uncomfortable ways i can put my self through to achieve my goals and today just one cup a small cup of coffee. Yeah and on skim milk aren't you proud of me. I know i am.  So sitting on the train and a lady gets on at Auchenflower station, i noticed her shoes are a little uncomfortable as she was moving her feet around and and making all sorts of faces as she read her magazine, why do women put themselves through pain and agony all to break into a new pair of lovely colour co-ords.  Oh i did notice someone doing something strange, and almost could imagine them doing it when they were young, stretching in the train and their hands almost touching the roof, yawning really big with his eyes all squinty. That was worth looking at. And next time someone asks me out with a group of friends, i shall take no notice instead of thinking all day what i'm going to wear, dashing out to the city before my shift to buy a pair of new shoes that will match perfectly with the top i had bought the week before, just to wear something really pretty. Then when it got dark there was no contact from the mothership. So today i find that it all went smooth sailing ahead with out my boarding pass, All i can say was. Had fun with that? Time for a couple of pills, havn't unsealed the bottle yet but will very soon and Bob's your uncle here's looking at you slim  November 03 nosuch a simple little word, 2 letters in fact.
Has such a big affect on the person that this little word is directed at.
Why do people feel the need to say no, invasion of privace, unwanted approaches good/bad/ugly, to save face, to exert one's right, and the list goes on.
Why was this little word used against me and to what effect did it have on my conscience, person, and overall moi!
October 07 Its now Tuesday night.God why are there people who think they know what is best for my life, and they not only think it, they take the next step
in sharing their thoughts about me to me, as if i need to hear it, and as if it's going to make a difference in the way i live. bah
hum bug. Mean while i'm listening to the 80's music with passion and its turned up real loud just to prove a point. Well hello
this is me and if you don't like what you see, you can go jump. I live with me every day of my life, i would rather at the end of
the night in the knowledge i was not fake. I did not try and please anybody of circumspect. I said, did and acted as myself and
only me. Who in their right mind tries to please society, not possible, can never happen if you try you only end up being the biggest
retard that has walked upon the earth. Get a life, Go get your life and be happy! October 06 its 4am in the morningIts 4am in the morning and i can't seem to sleep, what i should have done was taken to valarians before i decided to retire for the night. But as it happened i didn't and i have been laying awake most of the night, thinking. Thinking about the day ahead, thinking about the month ahead, thinking about the year ahead. Thinking about the weekend just gone, thinking about the month just gone. Thinking, thinking, thinking. Ahhh I feel tired of thinking but not tired enough to switch off and drift off to sleep.
I just don't get it. I have to plan things a little better then i have, I should have uncluttered my room for one. uncluttered my days a head, booked my room on the beach. uncluttered my future. Ahhhh I'm doing it again. I need to ride the city cat for hours but as it seems i start my week of nights tonight and i just don't see myself doing anything that i want to do i shall just be working and sleeping forthe next week, and i do know that there are people that do it week in and week out. I don't really have a problem with it, it's just I have so much i want to do and have really done nothing towards preparation towards it. Ahhhh! to stop thinking. Might just get up and take 2 pills then try and relax once more before i have someone coming into my room of solace and telling me i have to get and take part in the real world just like the rest of them.
But for now all i want to do is sleep.  August 27 I'm so sorryi walked out of the middle of class this morning, before that i caught the express, i saw and old work collegue, i bought a coffee, chatted to another uni student all the way to uni, went to class got there on time. Then drew a blank. Got up and walked out. Caught the bus back to the city, then the train to my stop then walked home. I can't seem to get back on track. I wonder how long it will be till then, to do so. Something is totally eating me up, inside. 2 days ago i all of a sudden dressed up nicely (i thought) then took my self to the city met up with a friend and went to the valley to Merlo Coffee, they have the best coffee, the beans are roasted on site. Then we bought gelati on the mall and sat there for approximately 20 minutes, doing nothing, not talking, just slowly eating our ice creams. Once finished we walked to the train station. I went to the ladies and coming out, i saw someone i knew. I did how ever say hello, but he didn't really say hi, he kept getting a ticket so i kind of walked of quickly sayed something to my friend along the lines of have to go to the newsagent, then walked off. I actually hid there for a few minutes then came out. ahhhhh the coast was clear. We walked down to our platform and there he was tucked in behind a little from where others were standing, omg I walked straight past him, i was having a heart attack doing it, as this is something i just don't do, out of character. omg i got on the train i told my friend and said i should go find him but my friend said, No!. So i didn't. Then i remembered i thought i had his phone number but wasn't sure, so i sms so many times and he too me trying to find out for sure if it was his number. And yes it was. So that night i chatted on msn too him. Then i told him i saw him on the platform. Then that was it. I spoke to him on the game, he didn't respond. then i have tried to talk but i think that is it, I think i have turned him against me. In my stupid behaviour. I dont' think i can fix the gulf. Its making me sick and sad. Kieran if you ever read this, i'm so sorry. I really am. I still see you standing there on the platform in my mind.  August 20 I seem to be good at itI suppose you always know how i'm feeling if i type in red. It seems to be a stress/anger release. angry at my self and angry at all the people around me. If i catch you unawares look out i'm on the war path, full steam ahead, justcall me steam engine to the max and your max. I don't want to feel like this, its delayed reactive stress. How does a person feel after they are so abused verbally, told that they are a wasted space, that they need their brains smashed out of them. Even though at the time i made out it didn't hurt, that i was tough and i was going to make that person pay for all those things he said and did. smashing my stuff, wrecking my things. smashing stuff around me to scare me. How dare he......do that too me.
Why do guys feel the need to bully helpless defencless women. Now he says quietly 'have a nice day', take it easy, stuff like that as if that is going to work, i feel like vomiting. and i can't even say anything to him cause he will just go off again and maybe worse, cause its boiling up till next time. next time. I HATE NEXT TIMES........HATE HATE HATE! August 12 twinsThis is my favourite lettering it reminds me of 'Peanuts' 'Snoopy and the gang' not sure why, but it has nothing to do with what i'm going to say right now.
A strange thing happened to me at work on Saturday night, being the EKKA, busy working front counter, short staff there was three of us actually on front counter that night. A manager to my left and a back area guy to my right. I was inbetween them. Customers could line up behind who ever, didn't really matter so long as they got what they wanted. Then leave. But we were so busy, not taking into consideration that we literally served hundreds as well and you've seen one face, you've seen them all, its not often that a face or two, really stand out in a crowd of s, m or large meal deals. But about 2am in the morning, four hours on my feet, and standing infront of me were two faces. These two faces could of lined up between anyone but they just happened to be in my line. ok somethings are just not coincidental. I looked at them both, waiting for them to say what they wanted, but they just looked back at me and i at the both of them, I couldn't believe what i was looking at. Let me explain these two faces to you.
Both blonde, blue eyed, angelic faces, both with an adiment stare about them. Quiet, calm and both attentive to what i was looking at identical twins. I looked from one to the other and said which one is the oldest. The one on my left said, "me", "Im out going and he's shy" pointing at his brother. Wow! i was shaking m y head from side to side, i couldn't believe my eyes, both so beautiful and young hmm i would say early 20's maybe. I asked the one that spoke what would they like and he only ordered one meal and one apple pie, I just had to check that a couple of times, was i hearing right? i asked my self.
Yes only one meal, they both at the same time opened their wallets and added half of the money each towards the meal, they obviously was going to share, my sentiments anyway. When i took the money from them i stopped and said all of a sudden, not caring who was waiting behind to be served, it was as if we were the only 3 in the whole of maccas.I said, "I hope you both appreciate each other on your birthday, (they nodded as a yes) because i had a twin brother but he died, i croaked to them, and every birthday i am reminded that he is not with me. The one that spoke said to me in an everyday tone, "complications" in which i replied, "yes". "When you were born". I said "yes". Then he said, "Your brother is right now in heaven waiting for you, he is looking down watching out for you". The other spoke for the first time and said, "Think of him as your Gardian Angel" As i was getting their order the manager asked me what was going on and i told him, he thought it a sad story. I just agreed. I was a little choked up. I gave them their order and they gave me the lovliest smiles then went away to eat their Maccas meal.
On my return home from the train that morning a 20 minute walk time to reflect the night, conversations, interactions etc. I remembered their faces and what they said, suddenly i burst into tears, sad for my loss, sad that there are twins out there that have each other. Sad that i am so alone even when i am not.
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