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Soon will Csand through the hourglass so are the days of my life June 25 A winter's dayI love this song; it reminds me of how i sometimes like to be. Untouchable, safe, away from everyone and everything. I'm not sad or lonely just would rather not have any confrontations of any kind. I seem to always weather when i meet new peoples. Why is that? I am finding life a little difficult right now. I have gone through life in the past i think now, in my own world. Living as though only i matter, sounds a little selfish, but have only just found out that sometimes that's exactly what i am without consciously knowing it. Just the other day these words were spoken to me, "Carmel what are you on about?" "If you were within a large group right now, everyone would be silent and just staring at you, are you for real?" and then i realise, my conversation is just me with what eva i'm going on about, and no concern for the next person, what they had said or is saying. How sad is that! It has come to my attention that i don't listen to what is actually being said by that person, I don't take what that person is saying into consideration before i air my views and boy have i alot of views. I'm wondering when did i start in my life doing this? Why hadn't anyone eva said anything before? Had they said something, and i hadn't really listen to what they were saying? Maybe i heard the other night, cause i cared to hear! Maybe i heard the other night, cause i felt my world disappearing right there in front of me. If i could of disappeared i would of. 4EVA!
A winters day
;And an island never cries.
Is it possible to ammend? June 13 Sad timesSad times at the moment.....Going through dad's old things, sieving what to keep, throw away, lifeline etc its just a hard on the brain, mind, heart process.
Finding things he kept from us kids, things like, photo albums of him and his brothers, being a normal family with fun times, pets, shared experiences. Gets me
wondering why couldn't he of shared these with his present family, why couldn't he of been a person with a personality and sense of humor? why did he portray,
himself to be the tough, feelinless man? That was never a child, that never had things that ment a lot to him. Was he trying to be someone he wasn't to impress, what his father? his friends? So many questions, go through my head. Just isn't fair! never is fair!. He was young, he had a life that he kept from me, from my brothers and sisters! I think what a bugger! what an arsehole! And yet he isn't here. Life is just too hard right now......  May 18 Anotha fellaWell anotha fella has come and gone just like that.
 Nothin too it!
I wasn't happy on a need to know basis i had to know now.
So email, sms, email, sms etc until its just too late. T's
What an ijit, but if the guy isn't up for it, he's not! and
there is not one thing the girl can do, but ask her self all the
if's that there are, and boy are there a lot.
Let me see,
What if:
I hadn't of emailed at all
I hadn't of sms'd at all
I hadn't turned up at his work place during his work shift
I hadn't of gave him my name
I hadn't of gave him my phone number
I hadn't of gave him space addy
I hadn't of gave him info that was on my phone, and now on his
and the list is endless.
I's probably still be living my life, till next time!
What now:
There will be no time
there will be no emails
there will be no sms's
there will be no more corespondance in any shape or form
I can live with that!
How do i feel now:
Well i wasn't going to ...........
I wasn't eva going to ............
I was going to be eva so careful
I was going to but neva did
What have i learnt:
Not too listen to my spare of the moment thoughts...
Too listen to my small still voice don't means DON'T
Too leave it all up to God, as He and only He knows whats best for me.
Cheers!  May 11 Here t'isOk then i have worked it out. Thanks to the new book i purchased last week, its like fishing. And i think i needed a new perspective, as the old one was a wee bit dusty.
Oh dear what have i done? i gave my private space away, and i want it back! so if you have it just delete it, that makes sense. where ever this is saved just delete the
addy and it won't clutter up your space. Ahhh feel betta already. Had a windy trip on the boat stood up the front for about 7 minutes thats all i lasted the duration of 'clubbed to death' then i sat down then i got up and ventured to the back and grinned and beared it till i could get off. Over cast, windy, cold and definetly not a good day to go out on the bay, hey that rhymed. Ok so i have extra time this week to get it all together, and enjoy it to the max. I needed time to think today as my sister from Melbourne kept me awake nearly all night last night trying to convince me she owed me a lot of money and wanted to give it too me. so i had to get over that one. Then my other sister left today she has moved to London again, she did 2 years ago as well. Uni is extra hard at the moment, exams to prepare for and the adjectives and verbs are a bit on the nose, for me. I have been spending far too long on this stupid computer, i call it stupid as its idle time, and disrupts peoples other wise organised lives. Yes i had a lot to think about.
Hey i seem to do it everytime i meet someone knew in their face and scare them off, just like that. ah well shit happens! so Hi, i saw you, spoke to you, screamed out to you, and by the way scared the people in my train cabin i also almost gave my self a chronary, as i never expected to see you and when i did, i don't know why had to let you know that i saw you, there tis out. When you work all night as i do, and a familiar face appears its a yeah vitamin pill to get through the night on an even key. and i love those even keys. Please don't feel threatened by me, as i am quite a shy person other then that, want to do well at uni, am learning the flute going to grade 6 thats pretty dificult also takes up a lot of my time. I have another job as well i work for 'The Body Shop @ Home'.
So far satisfied with my life, my sister Lucia wants me to go spend her birthday in France in December, Snow yeah! So i am happy as well with what i want to do with my life. So if your reading this and unsure of whats been happening, your new, a different face, a nice face, a friendly face, and you have your own life, but you exist now, where before you didn't, i don't think i have eva seen you on any platform before until the night of the chuppa chup! and the car that got broken into at Goodna station. So there, Does that explain anything to you, oh and another thing, i don't have that many fellas that actually walk up to me and ask me questions, that was a wake up call, nice, scary, i had to think and probably still thinking about it as i am a female and you probably haven't thought about it again, as your male, those type of things don't phase males and you in your profession talk to everyone.
Well thats enough for one night most well turn this off and do what i need to do now, cheers!
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